Sep 30, 2009 ' 11:54 PM Y
AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The first thing I did when I came home today was to slam the door. I slammed my bag onto the table again in my room, threw things that didn't belong to me but where laying on my table. I practically threw everything I could grab within reach. Other that my sister who was studying in my room, I don't think anyone else noticed it.
Sometimes I really wonder to myself, "Am I that unimportant that no one even noticed the fact that I was angry for some reason?"
I had to breathe deeply and hug myself tight to prevent myself from crying on the train. I have to fight back the tears that no one I cared about will see. I had to distract myself, so I wouldn't break down in the middle of the street.
All these while I have been fighting the urge to scream at everyone I see. I have to silently scream in my own head. I have to fake a smile even though I'm so pissed that I can hardly control myself.
Whenever I hold myself back too much, I have nightmares, where I screamed, yelled, kicked, punched, stab and fight darkness. I cry myself awake to grip the sadness that was still within me, only then to fall asleep again crying.
My breath becomes unsteady, and short whenever I think about what upsets me. Many times had I tried to let it go, to forget and forgive. But I had never been able to lie enough to convince myself.
There are certain things that I myself cannot overlook, to forget and forgive. Specially when the fault isn't mine. I only act and behave as though it had been my wrong, and I've learned my mistake. It only makes me madder when the person with the wrong doing comes back to point finger at me again.
The bottled up anger is overwhelming at this stage, and yet again I cannot do anything. I can only hid myself away while I cry the tears of anger and pain, with no one to understand even if tears were shed in front of them.
The swarming anger floods my senses again. Tonight like those nights will be filled with darkness, tears and pain. I am sure I will have those nightmares again.
